His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
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“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.