ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.