Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
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[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
the greatest twitter interaction
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!