*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
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[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Not today, today.
Not today.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone