WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
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[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines