I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
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Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.