I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
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When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Who.
Did.
This?
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
🤣could you imagine
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.