Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
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Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.