My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
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I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.