what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
You Might Also Like
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
X-tra spooky blend
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy