Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
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The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.