[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
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“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Happy Caturday!
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.