*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]