Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
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My brain is a bad influence on me
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.