No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
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Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
When does CPR become necrophilia?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.