Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
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Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
the red hot silly peppers
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge