Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
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1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Just a phase…
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
They got a point!
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.