They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
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I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.