*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
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Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.