*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
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I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?