shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
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Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
so much to do
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist