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Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Lunatics are gonna loon.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
this is me
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games