Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
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Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Yes my dude
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.