ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
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After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.