The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is