Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
You Might Also Like
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store