Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
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*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.