The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
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God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.