Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
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Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
his wife is probably gonna see that
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park