Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
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Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him