After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
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Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
we’re gonna need another temp
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Teach your children to beatbox
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap