DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
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NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.