I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
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The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
How dude HOW?!
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Finally, a door that understands me
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry