👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
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Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life