Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
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“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.