i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
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Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.