“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
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Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
“Huge”.
Oh thanks BBC.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
my first day as a raccoon
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive