Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
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Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
My sex drive has a dui
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
a public service announcement
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
#gardening
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials