I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
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When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”