*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
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Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.