McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
This why you should mind your business
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
don’t we all
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
How do you like your Corgi?
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.