[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
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The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face