William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
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Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Huge, if true.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.