[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
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I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
*jingles half the way*
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news