Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
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Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
My flabber has been gasted.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My ideal weight is five million dollars
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I can’t deal with men any longer
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT