Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I’ll be mad as hell!
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.