The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
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*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
We have a winner.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
“what that mouth do?” complain