pelicons
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Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Meow
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL