April 1st is the class clown of days.
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My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
This is a whole mood;
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.