[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
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*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”